Phylogeny Of Fashion Explained

RU a fungi? Hopefully not. Maybz, you’re a pretty plant. U could be an awesome animal or a fascist fashion dinosaur…

Lots’a people ask me: “What am I?” The whole point of Natural Selection is for you to decide for yourself. If you dress like a -ster, you’re either a plant, animal, or fungi-hipster. Butt how do you know if you’re a hipster? The difference goes beyond the cut of your denim.

nowster vs. hipster

The person on the left is a nowster. The person to the right is a fungi-hipster… not cuz of their plaid or cutoffs, butt becuz they’re LAME. Maybe they just got shitty music taste. Perhaps this tryster-nowster-inherent-hipster is a fungi-hipster for being elitist. Maybz they just try to be hip without their own spin on hip. The person on the left is kewl, the person on the right is subscribin’ to stoopid shit. Hipsters are tryster (try-ing to be) plants.


Scenesters are another type of alterna-fungi, that try to be hipsters via going to “shows” and “concerts.” Their style, though, is trying to be hipster-y, and THOUGH THAT AIN’T HARD, just misses the mark. Tryster-Hipsters like fungi, emosters, and ravesters are nasty.

Gothsters are gross…

gothsterGothsters can be a form of ewies (ewww).

Emosters are ALWAYS ewies… as are ravesters…

ravesterI understand the desire to wanna E-it-up, but, why wear wigs and rave-a-tize your arm with ‘candy?’ Go ahead, experiment with Ecstasy but don’t wear every single fucking color of the rainbow unless you do it in a quirkster way…

quirksterThis is a quirkster. They love lots’a colour and often consciously maintain a campy outlook on life. You know a quirkster by their campy threads.

hippiester vs. hippieCan you determine the fungi from the plant in the above image? That’s (probably) right! The person on the left is a plant; the hippie on the right is a fungi. Hippies should stay in the sixties. Hippiesters are new generational hippies. A hippiester has hippie ideals, but dress and act like it’s 20__ not 196_.

Nowsters n’ newsters. Not to be confused.

newster vs. nowster


What’s the diff between a newster (left) and a nowster (right)? A nowster is aware of waht’s hip and in the now; a newster is aware of the present while looking toward the future. Though not required, newsters are often dress to impress with their keen eye for what’s to come.

You can, howevzies, be a newster without that futurester edge in your look. Much like the difference between a hipster and a nowster. Those non-SUPER-well-dressing peeps tend to be leaders in their field.

avant-vs.-newsterAvantgardsters (on the left) are future-thinking-trend-setting animals that are much like newsters (right). Avantgardsters are not afraid to stand out.



Hiptestors, like the one above, are activists that wear their cause on their sleeve/face/chest/etc. HIptestors are like hippies and hiptestors, in a new generational, fashion-future way.

Fashion DinosaurThis is a meat-eating fashion dinosaur. Ya see, fashion dinosaurs are either lovers or h8rz. The one above is more focused on how they look than who they are. LAME. There are plant-eating fashion dinos, though. They often wear clothes they’ve made. Plant eating fashion dinos are aware of the new generation. Plant eating fashion dinosaurs have good ideals.

Now let’s discuss the majority of the fashion population: Nowies and Thenbies.



Bros and partygirlies are lame-ass-fuck. They let mainstream media determine dress.

guidos and guidettesGuidies and guidettes are like bros/partygirlies that let STOOPID style cues cue thier style.

plainbiePlainbies, like the one above, are drab but aware that style is a thing (but stay kinda boring).

blandbieBlandbies are drab AND unaware of style. They’re thenbies and eww!

yuppieYuppies, who dre$$ to impre$$ do not innovate. They’re nowies with cash.

Comfies and gymbies dress like they’re @t the gym always… They’re EWIES!

But what about a person that dresses plain (like a blandbie or plainbie) that are just fabo-people? A person with great friends, that is in the now, and who has stuff to say is a causter (causual-ster).

CausterThey have a good head on their shoulders butt not such great clothes on their back.

SO- u wanna know what UR?!

Refer to our updated graphic.


And remember: One can always be transphylogenic.

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